I don’t know if the months of silence gave it away or not, but I’ve been struggling for a while now. Struggling to find the words to say. Struggling to make one more meal (and clean it up). Struggling, a lot of days, to get out of bed.
And it has led to such a long silence, that every time I think of writing, I quickly shut myself down. Because I don’t feel inspired, and I don’t really love to share my struggles. Not that I like to pretend everything is okay. I don’t intentionally put on a facade to fool the world into seeing my greatness. I just don’t particularly care to air my laundry.
Through this season I have had so many roller coaster days that I stopped keeping track of anything really. My goal for a lot of days has been to survive. In fact, every day that my little people get fed 3 meals is a victory.
But I’ve kept all this to myself, between me, my husband and my God. Because I know that God is big enough to handle it, and he will never leave me forsaken. And I’ve nestled myself, for months, in this place of wrestling with my doubts and fears, but holding desperately to the knowledge tha tv my God is still good.
Until the Sunday that I woke up and it was a down day. A down day that came at the end of a very long week full of downs. Each person that asked me how I was looked me in the eyes, which makes it impossible to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. So I shared. I wore my heart on my sleeve and I let those people, people who I know really love me, know that I was really struggling. I let my vunerability out and, no surprise, those people lifted me up and spoke life into my soul.
Now, it didnt change anything. The struggles are still here. My pain, still real. The worry and doubt still fighting their way through my peace to wreak havoc on my brain, but I can see now that they are defeated. Maybe not where I can see it yet, but on a heavenly realm, they don’t stand a chance. Because I gained my victory the moment I was vulnerable enough to let my broken heart be seen.
So maybe you can get victory too. Maybe my willing to let people see the hurting parts will give you the strength you need to open your heart to those around you. Because the enemy wants us to keep our burdens to ourselves. All the years I’ve heard the verse to share in one another’s sufferings, I never really about how that requires me to share my sufferings. I always knew it meant to come alongside others in their struggles, but now I know that God also wants me to open my heart to let others see my struggles. And through that, to find my victory.